Flagging numbers? Sales morale an all-time low? Feeling like you'll be lucky if you get within shouting distance of your quarterly goal?
Consider hiring a werewolf.
Wolf men and women will be stronger than your strongest salesperson, indefatigable in their energy and will go after each sale with an almost murderous passion. Except for those three nights every month in which salesman becomes salesbeast, there's nothing to worry about.
"Werewolves have a challenging attitude and a one-track mind," said Linda Godfrey, a journalist who has written extensively about werewolf-like creature sightings. "And a salespeople need to have that agenda and focus when they're selling." Consider a werewolf when it is hunting prey. A werewolf will never take no for an answer, said Godfrey. Even the most reluctant prospects will be persuaded into buying. And of course, the thick fur is better than the thickest skin for handling that rare rejection.
Godfrey also points to the transformative power that werewolves are reputed to have. "They can be very adaptive, especially in relation to clients; it can adapt to every situation," she said.
And it has the sharp claws to really dig into a project and not let go till completion.
As long as your trade isn't anything related to silver, the werewolf is guaranteed success.
Pressure to Succeed
Werewolves are also likely to work harder, because they need the commission.
"Some think being a werewolf is dangerous, but what it is, is expensive," clarifies Ritch Duncan, a comedian and author of "The Werewolf's Guide to Life: A Manual for the Newly Bitten". "You need a decent job so you can afford a quality restraining system and the livestock you need to consume."
A werewolf is a meticulous planner and scheduler. You won't have to invest in complicated and expensive prospecting systems. Duncan points out that a werewolf has to manage his or her condition every month, forever. "Werewolves have to be self-motivated and plan around those full moons," he said. "You're not going to have a better employee."
No taking time off work because of a trip to Vegas or because they were too hung over to come in Monday morning. Werewolves have to lie low, because of their situation, which Duncan describes as a medical condition that strengthens a person, rather than a dangerous affliction. "You need to avoid undue attention, because we live in a society that considers you dangerous," he said. "Lie low and don't have any drugs; they can react badly."
Why Hire a Werewolf?
Chris Davis, a senior vice president of sales at social gaming community Gaia Online, said that werewolves are "hunters and gatherers, just like a solid sales crew." He is more than happy to bring some on staff, as soon as he can rescue them from the clutches of werewolf hunters who sell the hides to wealthy collectors.
"As the classic song 'Werewolves of London' says, 'If you hear him howling around your kitchen door, better not let him in,' unless you want to be sold, that is," said Davis.
And if you don't hire an otherwise qualified werewolf for the job, you may be on the wrong side of the law, as Bruce Hurwitz, president and CEO of New York-based Hurwitz Strategic Staffing points out. "Werewolves are protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act, so if the werewolf is qualified, he must be considered," he said. It's also unclear whether werewolves enjoy legal protection from the environmental protection agency, the endangered species act or, unofficially, from PETA.
There's only one thing. If you work in a retail business, there's a question of timing, as Rick Grossman, CFO of the Learning Express Toy Store in Hillsborough, N.J., said. He would go ahead and hire a werewolf, "as long as the full moon does not fall on Black Friday."
Write to Soranus Shewolf
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